Two weeks later, back at the hospital for the biopsy results. I went to the urologist’s office with some anxiety but also with a feeling of confidence, despite everything…

The diagnosis is given: advanced prostate cancer, with possible metastases to the bones. Stunned, not having understood what I heard, I asked three times for what I had just heard to be repeated. I felt suddenly dazed, almost mute, unable to say a word or mentally process the diagnosis. To me, it was something unthinkable, incredible, and especially completely unexpected. Cancer was something for others, for whom I generally felt a lot of sympathy, but it did not exist for me, as I was terrified just hearing the word CANCER. A cancer diagnosis, at that moment, equated in my mind to a diagnosis of death or imminent death.

Immediately after receiving the diagnosis, I met with a medical team consisting of the urologist, a radiation oncologist, and a nurse who discussed among themselves and wisely planned appropriate treatments for me, but while requiring me to undergo various scans over the next few weeks to check for the presence of bone metastases and target the appropriate treatment. The discussion of this competent, multidisciplinary team and the exchanges of the various professionals impressed me, while I remained completely unfamiliar with their medical vocabulary. I felt utterly helpless.

Why this cancer? What causes it? Could it be due to a hereditary factor? Not the case in my family; could it be due to diet? I have been monitoring my diet for years. So what caused this cancer? Could it be caused by emotional stress or a buildup of stress? Why? After a year, I am still without a precise answer, and this frustrates me. I would like to have an initial answer someday or at least some clarity.

Returning home after this meeting, I remained locked away for days with nausea, unable to eat or communicate the news, except to a few close ones who were dismayed to hear what I told them. For me, it was the beginning of a real nightmare. The words: courage, confidence suddenly had no meaning. I would have liked to have them… it was complete emptiness.

Having this painful impression that an insurmountable wall is now in my path. All my projects, commitments, activities are in question… I feel truly lost, very anxious, uncertain about everything and as if isolated from everything and everyone.

It’s as if life has lost its taste and is of no interest. I feel increasingly depressed. Admittedly, the most difficult period of my life.

On August 19, I am fortunately informed that the tests do not reveal the presence of bone metastases. Good news, nonetheless! I am offered a choice between radical prostatectomy or radiotherapy.

Abundant and well-prepared documentation on prostate cancer and various treatment options is provided, along with invitations to periodic information meetings on the subject. Teaching by competent professionals. Very enlightening meetings, I acknowledge, but in my case, they increased my anxiety when returning home. Which treatment to choose? Readings, phone calls, contact with men who have had the same experience, consultation of the PROCURE website, a comprehensive and well-documented site, seeking advice from competent people. Finally, after careful consideration, at the end of September, I opt for radiotherapy.

Another blood test is required, and a week later, in early October, I learn that the PSA level is still elevated, 59. Another moment of uncertainty and anxiety. Radiotherapy is delayed, and hospitalization is requested for early December for abdominal surgery to remove and analyze lymph nodes and check for cancer cells. Waiting period is still very difficult for me, fear of hospitalization and bacteria that have invaded our hospitals, apprehension of the result. Finally, on December 14, I am told that the lymph nodes are intact, but that the cancerous tumor is aggressive. The treatment plan is then finalized. Three years of hormone therapy with injections every 3 months and two months of radiotherapy starting on February 16, 2005, preceded by various scans and marking sessions.

Getting familiar with this completely new world, radiation oncology, radiation rooms, imposing machines and technicians, mingling daily in the waiting room with men and women with cancer is quite an experience. Solidarity is created every day. Fortunately, the staff is extraordinary. Their competence and kindness instill confidence.

The volunteers at the reception and daily transportation are remarkable and greatly facilitate the treatments. In all this difficult experience over the past year, one must accept waiting. In a busy hospital setting, waiting is inevitable. Waiting for scan results, waiting daily for radiotherapy, waiting for treatment results; waiting is certainly unavoidable and very taxing both in the hospital and at home, and, moreover, when scheduled appointments are delayed, what a disappointment and still this endless waiting… Not knowing… not understanding what is happening.

And on other days, taking a number and waiting in line for more blood tests, waiting… waiting for the appointment with the specialist, because there are too many patients waiting too… in the waiting room. And the staff always overwhelmed… What generous energy deployed each day to meet all the on-site requests and continual phone calls!

Sometimes waiting for a look that makes you exist, a gesture, a smile that gives confidence, waiting to hear your name, finally, and enter the office, hoping to hear good news, almost impossible to say from the specialist, because the results are not yet complete. More waiting. All this is also part of the experience to be lived.

April 14, 2005: End of the two months of radiotherapy treatments. What a surprise to receive a yellow rose from the hospital volunteers. An emotional moment. A symbolic rose that means a lot to the patient. Courage and determination are highlighted.

Blood test on May 12. Encouraging result given on June 2 by the radiation oncologist. Reduction in tumor size and substantial decrease in PSA level. So, according to the specialist, the combination of the two treatments, hormone therapy and radiotherapy, is effective. After a year, a huge weight is lifted… finally!

Periodic follow-up, blood tests, and exams will continue over the next few months, hoping that the results will be equally encouraging. A special thanks to the entire care team in the radiation oncology and urology departments for facilitating information, treatments, and the necessary support. Their work is admirable.

I am still dealing with the side effects of radiotherapy and hormone therapy treatments. Physical resistance is lower, fatigue, need for sleep, intestinal problems, sweats, hot flashes, effects that seem to be part of the “normality,” according to what I am told and should gradually disappear.

I no longer quite recognize the body I inhabit, a way of speaking to say that not only is the physical system affected but the psychological one is as well… Cancer affects the soul in some way. That’s another story. It would be the subject of another reflection. For now, patience and tolerance are essential and above all, the obligation to gradually find a new, more peaceful way of life, reducing stress, expectations, and daily demands; making a “healthy adjustment” of life, I hope, for the coming years… if God wills!